Ben Goldacre may have proved that Blue Monday is a myth, but now researchers say we need to worry about the entire first week of the year. They found that Tweets about grotty weather shot up, and everyone felt generally glum. We took down our Christmas trees, packed up the tinsel, and went back to work.
We’re poor as church mice after the excesses of party season and December’s early pay date. The weather’s still freezing but we don’t get to wear Christmas jumpers; the cars are iced up but they aren’t heading home for the holidays; the nights are long but no longer lit with fairy lights.
Grim.
Plus, one week in and most of us have allowed our excellent intentions to fall surreptitiously by the wayside, especially if we chose ones which were more or less impossible. It’s not just “I’ll give up taking tequila shots off strangers’ stomachs”, instead it’s “I’ll never drink again”. One massive chocoholic friend has announced this year she’s giving up chocolate IN ITS ENTIRETY. Is she going to make it? I doubt it. I know I wouldn’t.
In my experience, breaking resolutions causes more guilt and self-resentment than the satisfaction of creating them in the first place. This is presumably the primary reason that people don’t bother at all. Why put yourself in a position where failure is pretty much guaranteed?
So let’s focus on realistic resolutions. Rather than demonising your addictions or foibles, understand why you do them and learn how to work with that. Just like proper medical advice aimed at reducing the bad stuff, instead of cutting out, cut back. As someone who thrives on immediate results, I struggle to get excited about something which can be described as “sustainable”. I want change NOW damnit! I wish to go on Facebook and tell the world how fantastic I am now that I’ve stopped drinking, started juicing, and swim 200 lengths every day before breakfast (green smoothie and low-fat bran muffin). But I know that this isn’t . . . yeah . . . sustainable. I’ll upload a single smoothie-clutching wet-haired shiny-faced Instagram, before I fall – and fall hard – after one terrible day at work, at which point I’ll be drinking chardonnay out of my swimming cap, juicing a vodka watermelon, and injecting bacon grease directly into my bloodstream. So if you truly want to see results, keep it realistic. Start small, and work up. If you’re doing this for the end result, keep it achievable, and give yourself credit for working so hard.
Take a look at life’s external problems. Are there toxic friendships it’s time you cut from your life? Clubs you’ve joined which just aren’t cutting the mustard? Responsibilities unwillingly taken on which have proved too much to bear? Now’s the time to declutter and pave the way for activities which truly make you happy.
Try promising yourself rewards for your hard work. It can be a double-sided resolution: I will give up smoking, and the longer I last, the more expensive a designer bag I will purchase with my savings. Or mildly tenuous: I will stop drinking Monday-Friday, and book my first-ever weekend at a health spa this spring (NB actually happening). Or completely irrelevant: I will wash my linen no less than once a week, and I will allow myself pancakes on Saturday morning without the accompanying feeling of guilt since I’m going to eat them anyway and I might as well bloody enjoy them.
Remember: resolutions don’t necessarily equal denial. “I will go on a two-week holiday this year”. “I will successfully make meringues”. “I will allow myself an hour every Sunday to properly paint my nails”. “I will learn how to use my electric drill”. “I will treat myself to a Netflix subscription and watch all five seasons of Breaking Bad” (a successful 2014 resolution which I particularly recommend). What do you wish you’d done last year? What can you do this year? What would make you – just you – truly happy?
As women, we have a tendency towards guilt. It’s not physiological, it’s learnt: and we need to unlearn it. According to psychologist Benjamin Voyer, “Research has shown that [guilt] is typically a female trait. This is mainly due to education and socialisation practices, where women are encouraged to engage in taking the perspective of the other, more so than men.” Germaine Greer believes that “Women live lives of continual apology. They are born and raised to take the blame for other people’s behavior”.
Sadly, just saying “don’t feel guilty” is akin to King Canute attempting to hold back the tide. So, one step at a time. Shamelessly embracing a positive New Year’s resolution may seem like a minor achievement but I believe it will go towards lessening the fear of guilt we have about putting ourselves first. When we can enjoy ourselves on our own terms, without apology, without an “in return for”, we are beginning to own our lives, and revel in the freedom that our grandmothers and even many of our mothers weren’t lucky enough to enjoy.
So, instead of fearing January and approaching it with trepidation, we can make 2015 the year of self-love (taken as physically or literally as you wish, lady friends). Let’s resolve that this year, we will do what we can to make ourselves happy.
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